Eastbayri.com

Rick Norman was 15 minutes away from sealing his fate.

The 55-year-old Warren resident was sitting inside the downtown Coffee Depot early one evening back in May, a bus schedule in hand and his mind racing. His plan was to hop the next bus headed south on Route 114, get off just before the Mt. Hope Bridge, walk to the center of the span and jump.

“I just didn’t want to do it anymore,” said Mr. Norman, who’s battled depression his whole life. “It had been building up. A lot of it was economic.”

Unemployed since 2004 and facing eviction from his apartment, he felt beaten. “You can only fight for so long and then you get tired of fighting. I said, ‘Screw it. It’s just not worth it anymore.’”

It wasn’t the first time he seriously considered hurting himself. In 2006 Mr. Norman thought about ending his life, but instead called 911 and got into a hospital. He didn’t do that this time, however. With the bus just 15 minutes away, it was a serendipitous visit from a buddy that saved him.

“A friend of mine happened to show up and we got into a pretty heavy conversation about something that was going on in his life,” said Mr. Norman, whose own troubles were never brought up.

“I missed the bus. It was just dumb luck that he happened to walk in.”

Fortunately, Mr. Norman sought help shortly after this incident. He visited his therapist, who knew he had been in a downward spiral for some time. She talked to an emergency manager at East Bay Center and got an ambulance to take him to Rhode Island Hospital.

He knows a similar episode is possible in the future — a thought that scares him “a little bit” — but his anti-depressant medications have since been increased and his personal situation is more secure. “I’m more stable now then I was then, and I was also going through a lot of difficult times in my life then,” said Mr. Norman, who did in fact lose his apartment but is now staying at the home of his minister and her husband.

Mr. Norman said he wanted to speak out about his lifelong battle with depression because he thinks his story could help others get the help they need. There’s still a stigma attached to mental illness that’s keeping some sufferers from seeking treatment, he said.

“You talk to people and if anybody finds out you’ve got any kind of emotional or mental issue, they look at you like you’re an outcast,” said Mr. Norman. “I think there are a lot of people who aren’t getting help because they’re afraid to come forward.

Chemical imbalance

“Depression is an illness. It’s no different from having cancer or having a cold. You don’t look down on someone for having cancer. I’ve got a chemical imbalance in my brain. I can’t control it. The only thing I can do is take medication to bring it back in balance and, for the situational stuff, I have to talk to people who are professionally trained to help me learn coping skills to deal with it.”

Fran Bradshaw, vice president of clinical operations for East Bay Center, Inc., said some people with depression don’t seek treatment because they feel ashamed that their own actions brought about the way they feel.

“It has improved somewhat with education and television showcasing it as a treatable illness,” she said. “But I think people who have the illness feel some responsibility that they caused it, so they can fix it or that they can snap out of it. All of those things are untrue.”

Depression can manifest itself in several ways, said Ms. Bradshaw. “There’s a feeling of sad mood, fatiguability, loss of interest, isolation, over/undereating, more sleep, less sleep. It could be any or all of those but usually the prevailing symptom is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and sadness. You’re feeling as if nothing is going to get any better,” she said.

Tony DaPonte, a 75-year-old Warren resident who’s been coping with depression since his teen years, agreed.

“Spring always follows winter, but when you’re in the winter of depression it doesn’t seem that way,” said Mr. DaPonte, who described the way a severe bout of depression attacks without warning as “insidious.”

Mr. Norman said his illness can be so debilitating at times that the simplest of tasks can be a “mountainous” struggle. “I think one of the most difficult things about when I am in a period of deeper depression is just getting out of bed to face another day or trying to find some reason — any reason — to live for, and that’s sad,” he said.

Depression can be biochemical, situational or psychological in nature, or a combination of all three, said Ms. Bradshaw. “It’s usually biochemical in nature, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that every depression has a biochemical origin. If you have a loss of a loved one, you’re going to be depressed,” she said, adding that East Bay Center is seeing more cases of situational depression due to the poor economy.

“It’s awful out there,” said Ms. Bradshaw. “On any day you could feel depressed yourself about the economy and the way the world is going. When it reaches past that two-week mark and you’re not getting any better, that’s when it becomes a clinical issue.”

Mr. Norman said although he battles depression all the time, his worst bouts are usually triggered by something bad that has happened. “When it gets really out of control it’s usually situational. Things come up that I just can’t handle,” he said, noting that health issues, money problems and boredom are among the triggers.

‘Life was not fun — ever’

Mr. Norman traces the roots of his illness back to childhood.

“Junior high and high school were absolute horror shows,” he said. “I was very suicidal the whole way through. I couldn’t associate with friends. I would always notice that when I’d go out with other people, everyone would be having fun but me. Life was not fun — ever. It was always this constant, nagging, black cloud over my head. Even during happy times, I always felt sad and left out.”

He didn’t know what was wrong with him, just that he was different from the other kids. “I went down a tough road and started to medicate myself and got involved with some drugs and alcohol. I did that for about 20 years,” he said.

Finally, about 12 years ago he sought help. Ironically, it wasn’t for depression but for two other disorders. He had trouble focusing at work — Mr. Norman was in fast food management for many years — so he got tested for ADHD. He also wanted to rule out early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, since his mother suffered from the disease.

“While I was there they found I was bipolar and that I was suffering from chronic depression,” said Mr. Norman, who was also diagnosed with ADHD but not for Alzheimer’s.

Now he takes 13 different medications a day for the depression, ADHD and bipolar disorder, as well as for bilateral temporal lobe epilepsy, which he learned he had in 2004. “It’s a seizure disorder affecting the temporal lobes, which impact your personality. Between that and the bipolar I’m a little volatile — mood swings are up and down,” he said.

He also sees a psychiatrist every three months — “depending on what’s going on” — and is in one-on-one therapy once a week, as well as group therapy.

“I do find it helps. Medication does certain things for you, but it’s not going to do everything. You’ve got to do both,” said Mr. Norman, adding that a common mistake some people with depression make is to cut out the medications when they start feeling OK. “It always starts a slow unnoticeable downward spiral back into severe depression.”

Unfortunately, due to the combination of the epilepsy and his medications, he hasn’t been able to work since 2004. “I’m dizzy, I’m tired, I’m nauseous all the time,” said Mr. Norman, who no longer rides a bike for fear of falling off.

Money is scarce. He had been receiving checks through a private disability insurance company plan, but “a year ago April they found some way of disqualifying me after paying me for six years. I’m taking them to court and I’m on a second round of appeal with Social Security.”

Outpouring of support

Mr. Norman’s been relying on family and friends to get by. He’s divorced but has a good relationship with his daughter and grandchildren. To make sure he doesn’t sit around alone all day, he tries to stay busy with volunteering and is also heavily involved in the First United Methodist Church of Warren that welcomed him in about 12 years ago. He now stays with The Rev. Nancy Behr and her husband, Eric, in their nearby home.

“I told the minister’s husband, ‘I’m the only single guy I know who still gets a honey-do list,’” he joked.

Mr. Norman gets the most pleasure out of hosting a series of coffeehouse-type concerts at the church, a volunteer job he took over from Mr. Behr several years ago. “It’s the one thing that gives me joy,” he said.

Local musicians who are grateful for the venue paid him back July 9 with a fund-raiser concert that helped Mr. Norman with medical bills and living expenses. But the money raised wasn’t nearly as important as the love he felt that night.

“It was emotionally uplifting. Over 100 people came out and it was amazing. To see that many people come out and support me was just mind-boggling,” said Mr. Norman.

More dialogue needed

Mr. Norman said he sought treatment for his depression because he “wanted something better from life,” and urges others who may suffer from a mental illness to do the same. He also thinks there should be more of a national dialogue about treating mental illness, which if undiagnosed can cost billions of dollars due to the lack of work productivity.

“Here we’re going through one of the most stressful times in this country’s history and this is when they’re cutting back on all these programs,” said Mr. Norman, who has seen his group sessions reduced and the budgets of many social service agencies slashed. “We can spend a billion dollars a week in Iraq, but we’re going to cut mental health services?”

Ms. Bradshaw said East Bay Center hasn’t been immune from state and federal cutbacks. “We rely more and more on cities and towns helping out with private donations. Everybody’s budgets have been hit very hard,” she said, adding that a poor economy is when mental health services are needed most.

“But we won’t turn anybody away,” she said.

Mr. Norman said dealing with depression is still a daily struggle, but he’s been able to experience more joy than in the past thanks to treatment.

“I may never be happy-go-lucky, but the treatment of medication and therapy gives me a chance at a useful life and that in and of itself is a gift.”